Brave

When it comes to health I’ve not been very lucky. At the age of ten I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Proctitis. A few years later I was told I have crohn’s. Now I know that there are people who have worse health. I have many amazing friends that suffer from all kinds of different illnesses. They are the kind of people I wish I could be. The way they look at life and their relationship with God always amazes me.

Recently I learned that I will be having another surgery. Fun part about it is that I will be the 12^th person who has ever had this problem as well as the youngest. It has happened to .03% of people. There is a 50/50 shot that I may or may not need an ostomy bag for the rest of my life. Although there are a few different surgeries that they will try before I have to have the ostomy bag.

In the past few months many people have been asking me the same question. “How do you stay so strong?” or “How are you so brave?” Honestly it’s a front. I’m not strong and I am not brave. All I can think about is the fear of living with an ostomy bag for the rest of my life. Last year for six weeks I had to have one. It was the worst experience in the world. I couldn’t imagine having one for years and years. It’s so stressful because you never know if it’ll stay on or if you’ll have to change it in a public place.

My number one fear though with it is that I will never find love. I am scared people will be grossed out by it or even scared by it. What if I find someone I really really like and they find out about the bag and then they leave? Now I know as I ramble on about this you are probably thinking there are worse things in life than an ostomy bag and I completely agree. I have so many friends who have it so much worse yet I sit here and I am sulking in the thought of having to live like that forever.

I’m not brave or strong. I don’t want people to know that know because I feel like if other people know I am scared they too will be scared and I don’t want that. I put on a fake smile and I act like I have positive thoughts but in the end I am just a scared kid with an uncertain future.