The blame game

Have you ever blamed yourself for something that is impossible for it to be your fault? When I was little my grandpa was supposed to come visit us and even back then I was lazy. It’s crazy how clearly you can remember certain things and events but you want so badly to forget. The last phone call I had with my grandpa I told him, “Lindsey made you a welcome card but I didn’t.” It was something small. Something stupid. I was around three or four I believe and I was a little shit back then. My grandpa never made it to visit us. He had depression his whole life and it finally got to him. All I was told was that something happened to his head and that’s how he died. When I was ten my dad finally told my sister and I what really happened. We were never lied to. Something did happen to his head but it was done by him to end his pain. Remember that thing I said about the cards earlier? For many years after I learned the truth I blamed myself. I told myself that he would have still come if I had made him a card. Why did I have to be a little shit that only cared about me? I know now that I wasn’t the reason for him to commit suicide but in the back of my mind I still think it.

                We put blame on ourselves that isn’t even close to being our fault. We punish ourselves silently inside. The guilt for something that we didn’t even cause tears us up constantly. I have one of the worst memories but, that memory is so clear and painful. As humans we can’t just accept something as it is. We always have to blame someone and if there is no one to blame we blame ourselves. No one has to be blamed for everything that happens in life. Sometimes it’s just life’s fault. It’s time for me to let go completely of my guilt and stop beating myself up about it. Then again those are just words. Can we ever actually forgive ourselves for something we didn’t even do? Can we ever let go of the pain we have brought upon ourselves? I wish I knew the answer that. I wish I could just let it all go.