Acceptance

I have been so blessed to have my family accept who I am. We all crave acceptance. For some they aren't as lucky. Recently in the news you may have seen the transgender teen that committed suicide due to the fact that her parents wouldn't accept her the way she was. Everyone has their opinion on the LGBTQ society. For Leelah she felt her life wasn't even worth living because her family refused to allow her to live the life she wanted. She was born as a boy named Josh but she never felt like she was in the right body. Imagine being stuck as someone you're not. To feel trapped in a body that you don't think was made for you. Leelah did her very best to try to fit in and do "boyish" things but that feeling of being in the wrong body made that all so difficult. I personally hate when someone tells me how I feel. I know first hand what it's like to be a phase. For the transgender population they are told that God does not make mistakes. That the way they feel is wrong. Leelah was taken to a therapist to try and change her into something she is not. She lived a life of loneliness. She was cast out of society. Since her death there has been more attention on helping transgender teens. One positive thing to come out of this tragic event and loss. For anyone reading this parents or people that will be parents one day make sure you show your child love, Don't ever make them feel alone in this world because it's scary enough. Support them in everything they do. Don't try to change them or say it's a phase. For some it could be a phase but the best way is for them to figure that out on their own. Give your child strength.With your family's support not much else seems to matter. You have to support their dreams. Let them be the person they feel they are. Everyday teens and other members of the LGTBQ community are thrown out of their homes. Kicked out of their family. Everyday another lonely soul ends their life. This is a quote from Leelah's last post talking about how her mother told her it was a phase and she needed to end those thoughts immediately. "Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don't ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won't do anything but make them hate them self. That's exactly what it 'did to me." I know I can't change everyone's mind but I want to try. Fill your homes with love and acceptance. Take away all of the hostility and negativity. The world lost a beautiful soul when Leelah ended her life and if I can save just one I will do my very best to. Rest in peace beautiful girl. You are loved loved loved.

Uncle Jeff

Last month I lost someone who meant so very much to me. For six months before moving here I lived with my great grandma and my great aunt Dot. Dot would go from our home to her home in Kansas to be with her husband my Uncle Jeff. Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. She amazes me. She took care of my gram, my uncle, and even me when I needed it. When it was possible my Uncle would come and visit us. Through that time I was struggling with my health but nothing that could compare to the cancer he was fighting and the chemo he was having to deal with. Yet without failing he always made sure I was okay. There was a time that he had to use a walker because he was so weak. I had felt dizzy one day and so he made me sit while he got me water. That might not sound like some big deal but he put himself aside to help anyone else. I have been holding back my pain from his loss. There are people in this world who are so selfless. So caring. So strong to the very end. He never gave up. His body did. The day he passed I was able to text my cousin telling him to tell him how much I love him and he did. Within that hour I received a text saying he had passed. I didn't get to say everything I wanted so here it goes. 

Uncle Jeff,

Thank you for your love. Thank you for being there and giving me a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being such a strong rock even when you were weak yourself. Thank you for reminding me that I matter. Thank you for being my friend and giving me such unconditional love. I have never and never will meet someone who cares so much about his love ones as you. You put everyone first to the very end. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I am so sorry I didn't call you as often as I should've. Hearing your voice was all calming. I know that you aren't gone though. I can feel you with me as I write this. I swear I saw you in the operating room with me last week holding my hand telling me it would be okay. I've dreamt about you many times. Mostly just memories. I am so happy that I was able to get to know you and grow closer to you in those six months. I love you.

Haley

Family is something so sacred and there are times when you are prepared for their loss and times when it just happens and you didn't even see it coming. This world is so crazy you never know what happens. I know that from now on I am going to take any chance I can to spend time with my family and to make sure they know that I love them. I don't want any regrets.

Rest in peace Jeff Peters you will always be missed and you will ALWAYS be loved. So so so loved.

Pennsylvania VS Kansas

If you are from Kansas and have ever left the state I'm willing to bet someone has said to you "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" Which when said enough times can be extremely annoying. Here in PA I found myself thinking it. First of all do not ask for pop. You'll get a funny look. Or even better do not even think about talking about the classic and beloved game corn hole. You'll get even funnier looks and after explaining end up having to talk about this game they have created called "baggos". I guess it's new cause I've never heard of it! Kansas, sweet, beautiful, golden, Kansas. It's very green here which is nice, but I think gold has a higher price on it. Plus we've got black gold in them fields (oil). In Kansas we have beautiful wild sunflowers growing all over. Here they have purple flowers. So I guess you could say the state of Pennsylvania knows the true meaning of EMAW! Go K-State! The people themselves probably don't know that though. I personally try to sport as much K-State clothes as possible. I am proud to show off the power cat, even though people assume it's a jacked up version of the Penn State logo. One nice thing about here though is if you wanna go to the beach you can easily spend your weekend at the shore. But on those nights there can you sit under a sky full of bright stars? Ad Astra Per Aspera. Pennsylvania is a beautiful state though it's just not Kansas, not home. There is something truly breath taking about the flint hills and how the golden waves seem to go on forever. So I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore y'all, but I will be someday.

Casanova

The past year and a half of my life has been full of a lot of changes and decisions. I graduated high school. Had a major surgery to remove my colon. Then another to put everything back together. I made the decision to officially leave my verbal and physically abusive relationship. I moved to MO with my grandparents while my family moved halfway across the country. Now I've moved halfway across the country to be with them. In the middle of all that chaos I got a little kitten which you've all seen due to my many pictures posted of him.

His name is Casanova and to many he is just a cat. To me he is a companion. When I adopted him I was going through a pretty dark time in my life. I had never felt so alone. Then all of a sudden there was something in my life that needed me. He was just a part of my life but I was his whole life and that effected me greatly. Now I wouldn't say he was the best when I was crying because all he wanted to do was play. Although by doing that he made me laugh. He is the only consistent thing in my life from this past year. Some people may think this is stupid but a cat saved my life. His love and companionship helped me through the roughest times in my life. It's felt like the past year has just flown by. Somehow on Monday he will actually be a year old which is just crazy to think about. There is something about a pets love that can be therapeutic. They don't know what's going on they just wanna play and cuddle. It's so simple for them. In that it makes problems seem simple I think. 

Children again but different

Lately I have been thinking about my future quite a bit. Up until this year if you had asked me if I wanted kids I would have told you no. I still don't know if I would want any or not but after being at the preschool it's something I have started to consider. I don't know why but this thought has consumed my mind. It makes me feel very sad though because the more I think about it the more I realize that I won't be able to have my own kids. Physically yes it should be possible but my body wouldn't be able to take it. It'd probably destroy it. Then I also think that I would never want to have a child of my own because then it would have my genes. I've seen the pain in my eyes when I am sick and I know the stress it causes her. I don't want to go through that myself and I don't want my children to have to go through what I have gone through. I have been so unlucky with my health and the thought of having a child go through that all makes me very upset. I would know that it was all my fault. 

After all of these thoughts though I have thought about adoption which I actually really love the idea of. I worry that if I had a child with my genes I would be knowingly risking my child for illnesses but if I was to adopt I would be changing a child's life and they would be changing mine. That thought makes me very happy. 

Invisible Illness

Chronic disease: A disease that persists for a long time. A chronic disease is one lasting 3 months or more, by the definition of the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics. Chronic diseases generally cannot be prevented by vaccines or cured by medication, nor do they just disappear.

At the age of 10 I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. Then ulcerative colitis and then Crohns disease. These illnesses are among the many invisible illnesses. They make you feel so much pain and yet people can't physically see it. I don't know how many times I was told "But you don't look sick." People can't see the pain you are in except from seeing it in your eyes. For me there were times where people didn't believe my pain. 

Sometimes your friends and family feel helpless because they don’t know what to do to help you in your times of pain. At least for me the best thing you can do is believe them and comfort them. You can’t make the pain go away but you can make them feel less alone. Feeling lonely makes everything so much worse and knowing you have at least one person on your side at all times is a great feeling. Another thing you can do is educate yourself on the illness so you can understand what the person is going through. Lay in bed with them and watch Netflix. Just don’t let them feel alone. 

With any disease it’s easy to put yourself into a slump and think negatively. It’s not easy to be strong when your body is being so weak. Like I have said in the past I try so hard to be strong but inside I’m a wreck. Let your family and friends support you because you gain strength from them. When you are so sick one of the best remedies for your mental health is to try to be as strong and as positive as you can. When you can’t be strong let others be strong for you. That’s one of the greatest lessons I've learned.

Shark Week

Every year more and more people tune into Discovery Channels “Shark Week”. Everyone becomes a shark fan/expert for one week out of the year. I used to also love shark week and I still will watch bits and pieces of it but my view on it has completely changed. Have you ever seen the movie “Step Brothers”? There is a part where they are watching Shark Week and they say “Look at that raw power!”. Which is true, sharks are very powerful. Unfortunately Shark Week has started to make the whole week be about shark attacks. Where that is cool for one week it teaches people fear for the rest of the year.

I have always said that people fear the things they don’t know much about. Shark week needs to start educating people rather than causing them fear. Shark populations have dropped dramatically due to shark finning. Scientist worry that sharks will all be gone eventually and that will cause a disaster. Not only do sharks keep other animals populations down they also have a very unique immune system. Scientists are currently working on a cancer cure from what they are learning from the sharks body. If all of the sharks disappear though how will they be able to find a cure with that? I feel like shark week should show the sad facts about shark finning. Shark fin is cooked into soup in Asian countries as a delicacy although the funny part about that is that shark fin has no flavor it tastes like only the seasonings and broths used. 

Sharks are so misunderstood. Sharks don’t like how people taste but we can look like their food and that causes attacks. They have to rely on their extra senses because their eyes are so bad. Unfortunately for us we give off the same electromagnetic fields that fish do so sharks don’t even know the difference until they take that first bite. 

Growing up we are taught to fear sharks. My favorite bite comparison is “Alone in New York people are bitten 10 times more each year by other people than worldwide by sharks.”. People are more dangerous than a shark is. I used to be terrified of sharks myself but I educated myself about them and after that I’ve come to understand them. The more I learn the more I love them and want to save them. So this year during Shark Week please keep in mind that all of these attacks they show are not common occurrences. Also remember that they do have a lot of power and they need to be respected when you are in their territory. Finally learn from them. They have to keep moving to be able to survive so keep moving forward yourself and keep moving forward even when you’ve reached your goals.