Fears

Fear is something that can completely consume a person if they let them. We have rationalized fears or ultimately irrational fears. Some of us are embarrassed of our fears and do our best to keep them secrets. If we are lucky we can grow out of a fear but as they say when one door closes another one opens. Just as quickly as you end one fear you can gain another. 

I am often teased for my my fears because many see them as irrational. So I am going to rationalize them for you. No judging though because we all have our own fears. For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of giants. When I say giants I don’t mean the medical condition. I mean like the giant from jack and the bean stalk. So you are presumably thinking giants aren’t real and that is absolutely irrational. Are you ready to be rationalized? As an army brat I grew up on military bases. They love to do bomb practice on military bases. Big, loud, booms. I always had nightmares about giants and so when I heard those booms it sounded like giant footsteps in my mind. I know there aren’t giants but to this day when I hear a loud boom I feel my chest tighten a bit.

My second “irrational” fear is random dots. The best way to explain this fear is to show you what exactly I mean.

That right there freaks me out a great deal. So bad to the point that some times I have panic attacks when seeing them. How could this be rationalized? Again we have to rewind to my childhood to a few different things. I was not very lucky when it came to standing on red ant hills so I would get bites all over my body. Thus causing red dots. Additionally I have always had very sensitive skin so sadly I have always gotten all kinds of weird skin rashes. Guess what those caused? More dots. After seeing all of those on my skin and being made miserable by them dots now freak me out. 

I have very rational fears though as well. They may even be similar to yours. I am terrified of losing anyone I love. I’ve always felt a need to protect my big sister because I am scared something will happen to her. I am scared to get old. I am scared constantly of the future because it is so unknown. I am scared I will be a disappointment to my family especially my parents. When I drive I am fearful that I will hit a deer. I fear for the Chiefs football season every year. I fear that I will be alone forever.

It doesn’t matter if our fears make sense or not because in the end it won’t change the fact that they are there. All we can do is try confronting our fears. You have to stare fear in the face and become even more fearful before you can overcome it. So today I want you to think about your fears, all of them, rational or not and think about how you can overcome them. Our fears our in our minds and if we let them take over our life we can end up stuck. I would rather stare my fears in the face than get stuck in life because of them.

Dream Future

Starting as children we start to dream of our future. We dream of our job, where we'll live, who we'll marry, what our dream house would be. Usually it changes though. What we dream our futures will be. There can be one moment, one accident (good or bad) that could make us change all of that in our minds. You could meet the love of your life and you would do anything for this person, so maybe your dream living location could change. 

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a zoo keeper. I love animals and always have. Although in middle school I changed my dream job to marine biology. My senior year it kinda changed again. I say kinda because I'm still unsure. Now I am looking more towards marine archaeology. How cool would it be if I found the city of Atlantis?! For the doubters out there, it is real. When we are young though we don't think about how to get to where we want to be. We just think it'll happen *poof*. For me to get to these career choices I am going to have to go back to school, which I fully intend to do. First I'll start with a class or two but eventually I'll get to Atlantis.

As for where I have dreamed of living it's always been near the beach. I love everything about the ocean. To wake up and go outside and hear the waves crashing down and smell the salt in the air, that's a dream come true for me.

Now for this one it has changed dramatically. As a child I dreamed of marrying Aaron Carter. Not only is that impossible but I also have no desire to marry him. Or any other "him". I have no idea who I will marry but what I do know is that whoever she is will be pure perfection in my eyes. 

I know that I have said a lot about dreaming as a child but I don't think people should ever stop dreaming. Keep your dreams alive and don't stop working towards them until you get there.

Happiness

Today I realized something. I haven't had any true moments of pure bliss happiness in the past year. Sad, right? I don't think so because today I finally had it. It was a mixture of things that caused this. I am with my family that I completely love and adore. I went to work with my mom who is my best friend and on the way there we belted out 80's music.

 I got to play with a pony, a donkey, some goats, sheep, and my personal favorite baby chicks. I was surrounded by children who thought I was the coolest person ever. I worked hard today too though. I helped take care of the animals and did anything that was asked of me. I loved every moment of it. I didn't realize how happy I was until towards the end of the day when I was walking the donkey, Rosie, back to her stall. I smiled, laughed, worked, and played today and I am so happy. After such a long time realizing that I was happy just made it even better. I am hoping that I am able to continue this and be truly happy every day. That's my goal for right now:)

Elderly People Stories

Everyone loves a good story told by old people. So I have a couple to tell that I have been told. Gotta love old people.

This first one is from Geno he is 92 years old and was in the military as a young man. Geno and a buddy of his during their military service decided to go on a vacation for a few days. After their vacation they had no way back to Philly. So what they decided to do was hitch hike. It was pouring rain, they had their thumbs out, and saw a car lights coming in the distance. The car slowed to a stop and the two climbed in. The man driving the vehicle was very honest with them right away. He said,  "I gotta tell you I met a "friendly" fellow a few miles back and we got into it. I busted him up pretty bad I think I might have killed him. So I don't know if you still want to ride with me." They took a look outside and it was still pouring down rain so they said "We'll still ride with you as long as we can." So as they were driving there was construction digging ditches in the side of the road because of the storm they hit a ditch and the car flipped. Geno got out of the car holding his hand and saw a bright light and then he just woke up in a hospital. Some very professionally dressed men came in and were asking him what he had to do with the "friendly" fellows murder. Geno kept telling them that he had just been on vacation with his buddy and were hitch hiking when they were picked up by that man. It took about four days for them to finally say okay he was only there for vacation and they let him go home. Unfortunately though Geno had to go home alone because in that car wreck Geno was the only one who survived. This also means Geno was the only one who knew what happened to the "friendly" fellow.

This next one is from my best friend, my great grandma, who is 89 years old. Now with this please remember she doesn't always tell the truth but her stories are still the best. In Springfield there are two hospitals Mercy and Cox. My great grandma says she will never ever go to Cox again. There was a time when my great grandma had to go to the emergency room at the Cox hospital. They had her laying on a gurney and she swears up and down that as they rolled her down the hallway they actually dropped her through a hole in the floor and she landed on the floor below. So if you aren't following this the hospital dropped an elderly woman through a hole in the floor. Now some of my family members will say this isn't true but my gram always reminds me that they weren't there. She also has told a story where she was in an ambulance and her heart stopped. To get her heart to start again they pounded on her chest to revive her. Again my family says this did not happen but who is to know really. Anyways they finally revived her but after that she says she had purple boobs for three whole days.

Now after reading these stories you can all have your opinions on whether or not they are true or false but I promise they came from very reliable sources. Straight from the mouth of our countries past.

Forgiveness

How do you forgive? I am terrible at forgiving someone especially after they have hurt me. An example of this is my original surgeon Dr. St. Peters. I feel as if this man ruined my life. He removed my colon and didn’t correctly finish the surgery. He gave me a long list of things that I wasn’t supposed to eat. After meeting my new surgeon today he informed me that he didn’t think my surgery should have been done the way it was and that I can eat whatever I want. Ever since my original surgery I have felt miserable. I haven’t been allowed to eat raw fruits and vegetables. I couldn’t eat corn or popcorn. I love corn. When I think of this man all I can think about is this anger I feel towards him. It’s been a year and I still get angrier each time I think about him. God wants us to forgive each other. Yet I can’t seem to forgive this man or others that have been in my life. Some say to forgive and forget but is that really possible? How do you forgive someone that has ruined your life? Then I remember that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. I am sure that I have people out there who will never be able to forgive me. Yet I yearn for their forgiveness. I want forgiveness yet I can’t find a way to forgive others. To gain forgiveness I think you need to give it as well.

Crushes. Sorta.

I don't know what anyone else's opinion about crushes is but I think they suck. Yes liking someone is a great feeling especially if they like you back but what if they don't? Or what if they don't realize you like them and you are just too scared to tell them? You sit there hoping that you'll get their attention and that they'll try to contact you first in the day and if they don't you are just let down. For the past few months every time I had a crush I would talk to my 89 year old great grandmother and 55 year old great aunt. They were lucky enough to hear all of my love life drama. Or lack there of. When I get a crush it's pretty hardcore. I don't let myself like someone though until I get to know them. So I get myself into these friendships with girls and then it hits me hard and all I want to do is talk to them. At first you know I want to play it cool if she contacts me then we'll talk. Then if she doesn't I start to panic. All I want to do is talk to her so eventually I give in and text her first. I am the worst when it comes to waiting. Pathetic? Yes probably. But the first step to getting over an "addiction" is admitting it right?

After being hurt in the past I have been more open to relationships than one would think. Going back to the whole not liking to be alone thing. But more recently I have let myself be more vulnerable. In the end I don't care if I may seem a bit pathetic because if I like a girl it's for a really good reason. Girls are just so difficult though. Love is so difficult. Why can't it be easy? All the best things in life are difficult. I don't make it any easier on myself though. I kinda just act like an idiot and hope the girl I like ends up liking me back. Oh well.

Music

Music is something different to everyone. For some it’s a way to escape their lives for others it’s a way to connect to others. Music has an effect on our moods and can get into our souls. Different songs have different effects. To get pumped up for just about anything I listen to Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. I have a complete playlist that I listen to for when I am angry. There is a game where people sit there and choose different songs and whoever makes the other cry first wins. I personally lose at that game pretty quick. Music is a way that we express ourselves. I wish so badly I could sing or play an instrument because I love music. Unfortunately I wasn't blessed with a singing voice, although I am a professional car and shower singer. A girl with a beautiful singing voice is automatically more attractive to me. I don’t know why though.

Music can comfort us. I’ll admit that I’ll laugh at YouTube videos of people who are singing terribly but I also think that this person is singing because it’s something that they love. They are way braver than I am to be posting a video for the world to see of them singing. Plus again I suck at singing so who am I to judge? Then even when there are more negative comments then positive they still post more videos because they don’t care. It makes them happy. It’s a way for them to connect instead of escape which I find beautiful.

Another thing music gives us is courage. When I was an actress in high school and even before that I always had my ipod with me on stage behind the curtain. My ipod was put away as the curtain was raised. If I had my music I felt unstoppable.

The moment that I realized that my best friend Ben was my best friend was after one day we were singing together in his car. A few days ago at a red light the car next to me had their window down as well as me. A little girl was right next to me sitting in her booster seat and we were on the same radio station even. Let It Go began to play and this child whom I have never met before sang with me through our open windows. It was a very magical moment for me. Music brings us together when nothing else can. Music is an amazing thing.

A mothers touch

I haven't seen my mom since Christmas break which has been extremely difficult for me. My mom and I are very close and I have missed her dearly. Today I was finally reunited with her. The past few days I have been very sick which is why I haven't posted anything. When I'm sick I'm very emotional. We got the the hotel room and I finally broke down. But I had my mom right by my side and with her there it makes me feel better. Not physically but emotionally. No matter how upset I am she has that mothers magic or something that seems to make everything better. I don't know if I'll ever have kids or not but if I do I hope I have the close relationship like I do with my mom. I applaud mothers you have one of the toughest jobs and yet you still do so much more. My mom was a single mother while my dad was deployed yet she also went to college getting a 4.0. All at the same time she was taking care of four kids. She is truly incredible and I'm so lucky that God blessed me with her. So to all the mommies keep up the good work you're all amazing and you make this world a better place.

Airplanes

Tomorrow I will be on a plane all day. This made me thing of a great blog idea. The 10 people who you don’t want to sit next to on a plane.

1.       That guy that you know has showered or even brushed his teeth all day. You know the one with greasy hair and sweat stains all over his shirt.

2.       When you are on an early flight and all you want to do is sleep but you get sat next to a chatty Kathy. No matter what you do you can’t get them to stop talking!

3.       Or when the person next to you is sleeping and slowly makes their way on to your lap. Awkward.

4.       You get to sit next to a new mommy who is completely unprepared for any baby emergencies. So that baby is crying the whole way.

5.       This is one you may not have thought of but trust me I have actually seen it. The flight attendant has to tell a woman she can’t paint her nails on the flight and she doesn’t want to listen. So that smell of nail polish wafts over to you. Can you say headache?

6.       I like to read on planes its good entertainment. Have you ever gotten the feeling you are being watch? You look over and your neighbor quickly diverts their eyes. Eventually they start to ask you all kinds of questions about your book so you don’t get much reading done.

7.       Then there is also the mom who is completely prepared. A little too prepared even. She pulls out all kinds of food that make the entire plane smell delicious but you are stuck with some salted peanuts.

8.       Or something that is worse and again I know this from experience, a large family brings enough children that they each have one on their lap. They get hungry and pull out an entire Mexican restaurant right there in the plane.

9.       We all like to listen to music on the plane as well but there is always someone who wants to share their music with everyone and they blast their headphones for all to hear.

10.   And finally number 10. This is my personal favorite actually. If you are lucky enough to experience this at least once in your life you will know what I am talking about. The flight is going great until the child behind you starts to kick your seat. It’s like a massage chair that you didn’t want or ask for yet you got it!

When reality hits

Reality has officially hit me. On Wednesday I will be leaving the place that I've called home since February. That may not sound like a long time but in that time my great grandma, my aunt Dot, and I have become a family unit. We all take care of each other. Leaving them is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I love those two so much. I never expected to gain the relationship that I have. I took a picture today that portrays us all perfectly. I'm smiling while my aunt is getting annoyed with my gram because my gram was making up stories. 

It's a perfect depiction of our little family. I love them both so much and would do anything for them. I feel so extremely blessed to have had this time with them. Looking at it now I realize why God took me down this path. He wanted me to be with them. I'm so grateful for every moment and every laugh we have shared. I'm going to miss our daily tv schedule and the little bickering between my gram and aunt. Gram and Dot I love you guys so much.

Love of a lifetime

Everyone loves a good love story. It gives them hope for love in their future. I myself have not yet had an incredible love story, but I found an amazing couple that has. It’s one of those love stories that has been through a lot and after all of that time they are still in love. I would like to introduce you all to Helen and Doris.

They are 80 years old and met when they were just 18. They have been together a total of 62 years and were able to get married last year on July 25^th. Now when I met them I had all kinds of questions to ask and they were more than willing to answer them. They met at a men’s pants factory where Helen was Doris’s supervisor. I asked what the first thought was that they had when the saw each other and their answers were very honest. “I got a good feeling below the waist so I knew there was something there. I never felt like that with any man or women before.” – Helen. For Doris it was a little bit different “I thought she was very attractive she knew what she wanted. I liked her but didn’t know it would be love.”-Doris. Back in 1952 there wasn’t much to do but Helen would take Doris in her 42’ Ford to A&W for hotdogs. Doris’s father once said to Helen “She will just use all your money.” At that time Doris’s father knew something was going on but not exactly sure what it was. Helen continued to tell me that she does not believe in bisexuality and before Doris and she were really official Doris had a boyfriend. Helen went to Doris’s grandfather’s house and where Doris and her boyfriend were and told her that she needed to choose right then and there. For Doris it wasn’t a difficult choice. She got in Helen’s car and never saw her boyfriend again. At no point did they try to hide their relationship. Their families did not support them at first though. They do now though but Helen said that because they didn’t accept them at the beginning she didn’t believe that they do now. Since being together their families have not sent them any holiday cards or have them come to family events. There were no congratulations after their wedding from their families but they did get congratulation from President Obama. At this time Doris got up and brought me a frame with a card from the President inside. In their relationship they don’t use the word wife because to them that would be like husband and wife and they do not want to act straight. The only head of their household is God. They continued to tell me about their very strong faith and how they went to a church once where they tried to make them straight. Helen responded to them by saying “Oh well I was just about to try to make you gay.” And they never went to that church again. I asked them how they stayed together for so long and it was the simplest answer. “Being honest and both caring to make a home. Coming home every night. Don’t lie because even if it hurts you tell the truth because if they found out that would hurt even more.” They were never the type to go out to gay bars though because there were too many people trying to hit on them. Once a straight man came up to Doris and asked her to dance she told him no thank you. He wouldn’t stop so Helen said “Damn it she said no so get on with it!” Then an argument started and Helen hit him over the head with a beer bottle. Then they took off quick before the police got there. From talking to them you could feel the sense of protection that Helen has over Doris. The look in their eyes when they look at each other, you can feel the love that they have for each other. There was a time when Doris had to go to the emergency room and the first thing that Helen asked the Doctor was “Are you okay with gay people? Because if you aren’t we want someone who is.” They have zero tolerance for homophobia. On a normal day they will watch a little tv, play card games, and just talk. They love the companionship that they have together. Something that they told me though that really stuck was everyday everything is different nothing is the same one day to another but even with that they still loved each other. I asked them what they thought when they saw each other now and Helen told me she still gets that same feeling she got 62 years ago. I asked if they had any advice for anyone in the LGBTQ community that is still in the closet, “Don’t hide it people will turn on you when you do come out because they will be hurt that you didn’t tell them. Come out and just say either you accept it or not just be honest. But it’s not like I am asking them to go to bed.”, said Doris. Everything that they believe in and live by includes honesty. After spending time with them and talking with them they were curious about my love life. I was honest with them completely telling them that there is currently a girl I have my eyes on and they told me that they will begin praying that I will find someone. These two women have loved each other for 62 years. Think about that for a moment. Helen said “You’d think I would get tired of her but I can’t.” They have never been with anyone else in their life. Since they have been together they haven’t wanted anyone else. At the age of 80 and still all they want is each other. I want that.

Time

I’ve never understood the kind of people who have their whole life planned out already. I can barely decide what kind of cereal I want for breakfast let alone know what I want to do for the rest of my life. My dad gave me some advice today he said that everyone is different. Different sexes, religions, races, and sexualities. Some people are wealthy and some are not. One thing people have in common though is time. I believe I have too much time on my hands because I always end up overthinking everything. I am terrible at making plans and goals for myself. Well not exactly, I make plans and goals I just am not so good at following through with them. In my defense though I have no idea what my life will be like after my surgery. There are a few goals I can make though for my future so here we go. My goal is that this summer I will become closer to my little sister. After my surgery and I recover I want to get in shape because without swimming every day I have a feeling I’ll need it. I want to really find myself and become closer to God. Other than that I don’t have any idea about what I want to do. But that’s okay. Like I said I’ve got time. I’ll figure it all out in time.

Breaking down walls

When I started my blog I had no idea where I would go with it. What I would write in it or even if people would like it, since I started it though I have been overwhelmed with love and support from friends and family all around the world. Every day since I started though I have gone to look at how many people have looked at my blog and I share this information with my great grandma and my great dot. My great grandma is very confused about it all though because to her it is magic. The more it grows the more I feel like I am able to start breaking down my walls that I have built. I have lived with my great grandma and great aunt since around February. I am 19, my gram is 89, and my aunt is 55. Since I have lived here I have confided in them everything in my life. They are my best friends. The age difference is huge but we take care of each other. Before my blog, before I was sharing my feelings and breaking down my walls publicly they were helping me break down my walls. So here is me breaking down more walls of mine. After being so hurt in my past relationship I had many fears. My first one was I didn’t think I would ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I was scared that if I was in a relationship again with someone that the fear of being lied to would overcome me. In that relationship I pushed away my friends and my family. She used this to her advantage by putting me down and hurting me emotionally because she knew that I didn’t have anyone else but her to cry to. A good friend of mine, Robert, who I have known for a while, told me today about something called the onion theory. He first explained it to me and I had no idea what any of it meant. So he tried explaining again by saying this “So to be able to become a part of intimate relationship you should break down your barriers...to break down you barriers between one and another you have to be able and willing to show you are vulnerable. If you show your vulnerable you will be able to show love toward one another it took me a while to understand this problem with my relationships.” I thought about this and decided I really like this theory and I agree with it.  To be in a relationship you have to put all of you out there. Let yourself be vulnerable because if you have walls up your partner and you can’t be truly one. I want true love and to gain it I need to be vulnerable. My walls are down from now on. Not just because it would be good for a relationship but because it would be good for life I believe. You can’t fully view the world from behind a wall and I want to be able to see it all. I know I already said thank you for the support on facebook but I want to say it again. Without everyone’s support I wouldn’t be able to break down these walls. Every single one of you is incredible. I love you all! Thank you!

Bullies

In life no matter your age or where you are there are bullies. It starts at the playground when we are little. You get pushed and called names and that’s where it begins. Some people bully because they were bullied. There is really no excuse for it though. I was lucky because even though I was bullied growing up I always had my big sister who stood up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself. To this day I get bullied. In the past year I was bullied by a girl because I had an ostomy bag for six weeks. I am about to paste a direct quote from this girl so here is your warning that it may be vulgar. “How about you do us all a favor and kill yourself?” “And what's funny is no one likes YOU Haley except for your animals. Screw off and die already.” There is much more to the messages she sent me, basically telling me over and over to kill myself. Why have we let the world come to this? Why do people feel comfortable telling someone else to kill themselves? I rose above the mean words sent to me but there are people all over the world who don’t. People take their lives because of the bullies who use just their words to degrade a person completely. Remember “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”? Words do hurt. I have seen my little cousins bullied at school where he was physically hit and his bully told the other boys not to talk to him. Another cousin hates going to school so much because of his bullies that he does everything he possibly can to not go. Why do the other boys not like him? It’s because he is smart. He isn’t interested in sports. It’s something that little that has caused bullies to hurt him. As a swim teacher there were certain students that I really make a connection with. I care very strongly for them. Every lesson I ask how their day was and how was school. Nothing broke my heart more than when a student would tell me about getting bullied. It’s sad that you think after school when you are grown up that you will no longer get bullied but it still happens. My grandma is incredible at her job yet she is bullied by her boss and nurses. I’ve had a boss tell me to put a bag on my head and seal it. I’ve even had a teacher bully me due to my illness. My question is where will it stop? There is no compassion in the world anymore. We say hurtful things when we are angry. I know I do. Those words can’t be taken back though. You can apologize and say how you didn’t mean it but it still sticks. You can give a person all kinds of compliments but say one hurtful thing and that’s what they will remember. I’m not a parent and I don’t know if I ever will be but for me teaching kids not to bully is more important than teaching them not to put their elbows on the table. You have to start teaching them young. Now that’s not saying that it’s too late for other people because if you show kindness and compassion for others people catch on. Making someone smile and laugh is such an amazing and beautiful feeling. Knowing that you were able to turn someone’s day around or even just make them smile once is a feeling unlike any other. Bullies get a power rush when they are able to make someone cry and question their point in living. That power rush doesn't last but making someone choose life over death does. So from now on please no matter what your age or the situation if you see someone being bullied stop it before it’s too late. Show your kindness and compassion. Love everyone for who they are. Love them for just being there. Love them for being human. I have a tattoo that says “…do not punish yourself for not being perfect (no one can achieve perfection) learn from your mistakes, be yourself, and know that God loves you and I do too. With much love and pride Grandpa.” I read this every day. Bullies will point out your flaws but no one is perfect and that’s okay. Love others and love yourself. Life is better with love not hate.

High School

In the spirit of everyone graduating I thought I would share what I really learned from high school. High school is a different experience for everyone. Some people loved it others like myself couldn’t wait to get out. We had to take all kinds of different classes like physics, French, chemistry, algebra, geometry, history, psychology, ect. Out of all of my classes I learned basically nothing. French I barely passed learning only how to say I don’t know and I don’t speak French. In psychology I learned that you could tell the teacher had been drinking when his face was bright red and he would stop talking and stare at the wall for a few minutes. If you went to Manhattan High School you know exactly what I am talking about. I didn’t get in trouble much but when I did it wasn’t so bad because I always gave my vice principal candy so he couldn’t stay mad at me for long. The best class to skip was gym because it was right after lunch and the gym teacher really didn’t care if you were there or not because he was always on his cell phone. My favorite learning experience in high school was that if you were to walk around the school with a chair for a whole class period no one would ask you questions because obviously you were doing something very important with that chair. If I ever really wanted to get out of class my junior year I would just say I had to take care of my chicken immediately and they aren’t going to say no to that. If you were going to be a teachers aid do it your first period so you can sleep under the teacher’s desk. I also learned that from freshman year to senior year people change. In fact when I graduated I only had two of the same friends whom are still my best friends. As I am writing this I am realizing more and more that I learned nothing of importance. The important parts of my high school experience weren’t what I learned they were who I met and who I became. One of my biggest inspirations was my wide horizons teacher Mrs. Campbell. She made me want to follow my dreams and not settle for anything less. She taught me that standing up for what you believed in was important. She taught me the importance of taking care of living creatures and the importance of comforting dying ones. Out of everything I learned in high school none of the actually important stuff was in the syllabus, it was the things my teachers taught me that they didn’t even know they were teaching. High school was full of life lessons some important some not so much. Being able to figure out those important things is what matters. Congrats to the class of 2014 you have bright futures ahead of all of you. Don’t forget to remember how you got here.

Diving

Having a chronic illness there have been times that I felt sick all the time. It was rare to feel just normal. There has always been one thing though that has made me feel normal. It is also one of my loves, scuba diving. Imagine standing on a boat that is rocking to the waves and you are standing on the edge with a bunch of heavy gear. You’re about to jump into the unknown. For some that could be scary to jump when you don’t know what is below the water surface but for me, it’s an adrenaline rush. In the water you look around and all you can see is blue. It is infinite blue. You begin swimming to the bottom. Your focus is on your breathing, your dive buddy, and the beauty that is surrounding you. It’s almost a weightless feeling. You can’t think about being sick because there are so many distractions. If you look up you just see your bubbles rising to the surface where there are beautiful rays of lights. All of my worries and all of my thoughts disappear. The only part about diving that I don’t like is when I have to go back up to the surface. There are times where I wish I could just live in the water. 

First "love"

I was given a fantastic idea from one of my friends. I should write about love. Love can be a beautiful thing and also a painful thing. Everyone wants to find love and be loved. They not only want to love someone else but they want to be in love. Ever since preschool I’d say I love you to whomever I was “dating”. Then my sophomore year in high school I met a girl who I was instantly attracted to and I thought it was love at first sight. My junior year we began dating and I thought she was perfect. We would go to the lake just to skip rocks. One night I made a stay at home date with glow sticks and all her favorite food and drinks. She would buy my lunch whenever my mom didn’t put my lunch money into my bank account. She would play softball or baseball with my little siblings.Sounds pretty perfect right now right? What I didn’t add in was we argued all of the time. I put my heart and soul into that relationship but it wasn’t good enough. I felt like I would never be good enough. She once created a fake person that acted like they liked her. That lie lasted a week and she knew I was crying myself to sleep every night of it. I eventually called her out on it.
There were so many little lies. She would fake phone calls with her mom. The worst thing she did though was telling me she had cancer. She told me this when we started dating and I was very skeptical about it but I couldn’t just say you’re lying because what if she was telling the truth. She would tell me that her doctors didn’t think she would live to a certain age. It broke my heart because I loved her and didn’t want to think of life without her. After my first surgery and I was in the hospital she was at prom with her ex-boyfriend. She claims she was drugged. But she wasn’t. After my second surgery she told me she was going to be having surgery herself and that there was high risk of dying. So I called her work and asked if she was there. Of course she was. That’s how I was able to confirm my doubts about her. There is a lot more messed up things she did or said. She even punched me. Yet I stayed with her because I thought it was love.
It wasn’t love though. Love takes two people not just one who pour every bit of themselves into the relationship. So I guess technically I have never had my first love. Although, I want so badly to be in true love with someone and they with me. So I will just keep waiting until I find her. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself be in a relationship again. I will never let a girl who supposedly loved me hit me or hurt just as badly emotionally. 

The conversations of a lesbian

·         As a lesbian I am told and asked a lot of stuff. I know that other lesbians will understand this. And for the straight people you may realize that you have said one of these things to a lesbian.

·         You’re too pretty to be gay!

o   No I am too pretty to be straight. That’s just my opinion though.

·         I don’t want you to try to make me gay.

o   I promise there isn’t a gay meeting every week where if we turned a certain amount of people gay we get a free toaster. Plus just because you are a girl does not mean I want you.

·         How do you know you’re gay if you haven’t even tried being with a guy?

o   Well how do you know you’re straight if you haven’t tried being with a girl? I don’t have to try anything with a guy to know because only girls give me butterflies.

·         So how do lesbians have sex?

o   Use your imagination. I don’t think it’s hard to figure out.

·         That is so gay! Oh no I’m sorry I forgot about you being a you know what.

o   Gay, queer, faggot, dyke, ect. These words don’t bother me. In fact I use them often when teasing my friends. It’s not a derogatory word unless you let it be. If I am called a faggot I just smile and say “damn straight!”

·         I know you are gay but can I at least watch?

o   No. Go away now.

·         You just haven’t met the right guy yet.

o   Correct! For one simple reason, there is no Mr. Right for me because I want a Mrs. Right.

·         Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?

o   I’ve been aware of my sexuality for almost 8 years now. It is nowhere close to being a phase.

·         So who is the boy and who is the girl in the relationship?

o   With this one I just assumer someone doesn’t know what a lesbian couple is because we are both girls. That’s the whole point of it.

·         Your family is okay with you being gay?!

o   Yes they are and they are very supportive. When someone asks that though they seem so shocked which leads me to believe they aren’t so okay with it.

·         Hello I am bi curious and since you’re a lesbian I thought we could do something ;)

o   Yes hi hello. NO!!! No lesbian wants to be some experiment. Especially because you catch those things called feelings and the girl decides she is straight.

·         Are you really holding her hand in public?

o   First off I don’t even know how many times I have held hands with my sister or one of my friends in public. Second yes I am holding her hand in public because I am proud to be who I am and of who I am with. Straight people get to hold hands and so do I!

·         You don’t look like a lesbian.

o   There are many types of lesbians.

§  Studs/ Butch: Those are the lesbians that people think all lesbians should look like.

§  Chapstick: I am a chapstick lesbian. I am feminine but I am not super girly.

§  Lipstick: A lipstick lesbian is the kind of lesbian people are shocked is a lesbian. They are the ones with dresses, skirts, and make up.

·         You’re going to go to hell. (This is a personal favorite of mine)

o   I personally do not believe that homosexuals will go to hell just for following their hearts. In the case that we do it’ll be like a party. Gay people are a lot of fun!

o   So that’s a few things I have heard more than once. I don’t mind answering the questions but I hate the comments. So next time before you talk to a lesbian think before you speak because not all lesbians are okay with those questions.

Letter to me

There have been many times in my life where I wish I could’ve told my younger self stuff. So this is a letter to a 10 year old me.

Dearest Haley,

Whether you will believe this or not I am your future self. We have a lot to talk about. First things first you are a lesbian so you can give up trying to like boys now. It all makes sense now doesn’t it? Coming up in your life you are going to have a lot of stuff thrown at you and I wish there was a way I could truly prepare you for it all. Your life is going to change forever because of one simple thing. Soon you will be diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and you aren’t going to want to show your fear but it’s okay to. Let mom comfort you. You’ll end up in the hospital a lot which it will suck. Although mom will be there next to you the whole time and some of your best memories will be made in a hospital. I wish I could tell you that as you got older your health would get better but it won’t but at least now you can prepare yourself. Oh and since I am getting this chance I want to get you started early. ALWAYS take at least five pairs of rubber gloves with mom. Your collection will become very impressive.

There will be a day coming up in your life that you will have your airsoft gun with you and you’ll be shooting random stuff. I was going to tell you not to shoot that kid off of his bike but do it. People will be pissed and you’ll get grounded but it was a great shot and he deserved it anyways. Two years later though you’ll get just a wonderful idea to shoplift condoms. Don’t do that one. Nothing good came out of that. Plus it’s just embarrassing. Like honestly you will never ever need condoms any ways, I promise. While we are on the topic of being a scamp go easy on mom and dad. They put up with a lot of your shit. Start appreciating them now because they are incredible parents.

Start working on your relationship with Maddie now. When she gets to that sassy age you’ll want to pull out your hair. But she is your only baby sister and you’ll regret not spending time with her and being her best friend. Teach her a good sense of humor and what sarcasm is. Make sure she always knows that she is beautiful and keep her self-esteem high. With Ben don’t give him that chocolate ex-lax. Yes that was hilarious but it was also really mean. Okay maybe you should still do that. He won’t remember it so you’re good. Lindsey will always have your back so make sure you always have hers. She will always be your best friend.

Love,

Haley 

Coming out

I came out of the closet to my family my freshman year of high school. I tried to come out to my older sister during 8^th grade but in her words “Please stop you are making me feel uncomfortable.” My sophomore year I came out to my best friend through text at a movie while he was sitting right next to me. My other best friend I was terrified to tell though because of comments she had said in the past. In the end though I did tell her and she is still one of my number one supporters. My junior year I came out to everyone because I needed to let myself be me. It was the best decision I have ever made. My parents told me instantly that they loved me no matter what and that they would support me through everything. My dad also said he has known since I was three. I guess that’s what happens when you play pretend Harley Davidson in the garage every day. My aunts and uncles have also told me that they love me no matter what. I have been so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that support me.

Sadly for some when they come out they don’t get that love and support. People hear the coming out stories where they get kicked out of their home or rejected by their friends and family. They hear these stories and then they stay in the closet where they are alone and depressed. After coming out the only thing that really changed was my best friend liked to gross me out with her straight sex stories. She still does this by the way. Everyone deserves to be loved and happy. For the straight people reading this I want you to imagine growing up and living your life in what is “gender correct”. Playing house and having to be the mom who is married to the dad but secretly you want to be the dad or just want to have two moms. You grow up knowing you are having feelings that aren’t considered “normal”. You don’t really understand why you feel that way. Then one day you learn about homosexuality and everything starts to make sense. You don’t feel like a freak or like there is something wrong with you. You learn that you aren’t alone.

People are entitled to their own opinions but some things are better left unsaid. People shouldn't be afraid to come out because of what a close minded person thinks. If you have ever been in love straight or gay then would you really want to take that away from someone else? That feeling of being loved and cared for by someone that you are crazy about? People have opinions but don’t let them keep you from being happy. To anyone who reads this and is scared to come out there is a few things you need to know. You deserve to be happy and loved and be in love. You are never alone even if you feel like it sometimes. When you do come out it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Finally after every storm there is a rainbow and I promise it will get better. Love yourself for you don’t let anyone try to change you.

Army Life

Living life as an army brat had lots of pros and cons. Army brats have certain personality traits that are rare to find in children. There is no way to explain it though. Just being around an army brat you can feel the difference from other children. There is a sense of maturity and a feeling that these kids had to grow up faster. My dad was deployed many times as well as many of my friend’s dads and I always hated to hear the son in the family be told “You’re going to have to be the man of the house.” For me for a while I felt like I was the man of the house. I’m not sure why. As my brother got older I heard people say that to him and it broke my heart. My little brother took that very seriously. The emotional toll it took on him made things even worse. My little brother wasn’t the only one told this though many of our family friend’s sons were told this too. For a moment I am going to somewhat go off track. People PLEASE stop saying this to these boys. They need to be a child not a man of the house.

As an army brat you feel like you have to grow up a lot faster than other kids. If you are the older sibling you get to help with the little ones because even though moms are amazing they can’t do it all alone. When your parent gets deployed you hear your mom crying at night or see make up that has been running down her face from the tears. Or when you come home from school and your parents have you sit down to tell you that your best friend’s father lost his life in Iraq. It’s the things like that that make you grow up a little faster than other kids.

With the military you have your family and then you have your military family. When there is a deployment you have your battle buddies which are other families who have a soldier deployed. This is one of the pros because you gain a bond with these other families that could never be replaced. If you are lucky you’ll end up going to the same duty station when you move.

Speaking of moving this is either a pro or a con depending on the person. Some people grow up in the same town and know all the same people. You do something embarrassing and everyone will remember. For me every move I was able to start over. I was able to change the little things about myself that I didn’t like. I went through all the fun phases. I was a serious tom boy that is still there though; I was a skater, a prep, and my personal favorite a lesbian. Although being a lesbian is not a phase.

One of the cons though for me is I am very shy. I had trouble fitting in almost everywhere we went. Eventually I would make a few really good friends but then we would leave and I had to start all over again. Before every move my mom told my sister and I the same thing, “You are going there already with one best friend and you’ll be leaving with that best friend.” I have always felt lucky for that because my big sister was my best friend everywhere and always.

The Army life is like a rollercoaster. You never know where you’ll go next. You never know who you’ll meet next. One thing you do know is that during that rollercoaster you aren’t alone. You have your family and your military family. As well as you have a whole Army who has your 6. There is no greater support system than an Army.

The blame game

Have you ever blamed yourself for something that is impossible for it to be your fault? When I was little my grandpa was supposed to come visit us and even back then I was lazy. It’s crazy how clearly you can remember certain things and events but you want so badly to forget. The last phone call I had with my grandpa I told him, “Lindsey made you a welcome card but I didn’t.” It was something small. Something stupid. I was around three or four I believe and I was a little shit back then. My grandpa never made it to visit us. He had depression his whole life and it finally got to him. All I was told was that something happened to his head and that’s how he died. When I was ten my dad finally told my sister and I what really happened. We were never lied to. Something did happen to his head but it was done by him to end his pain. Remember that thing I said about the cards earlier? For many years after I learned the truth I blamed myself. I told myself that he would have still come if I had made him a card. Why did I have to be a little shit that only cared about me? I know now that I wasn’t the reason for him to commit suicide but in the back of my mind I still think it.

                We put blame on ourselves that isn’t even close to being our fault. We punish ourselves silently inside. The guilt for something that we didn’t even cause tears us up constantly. I have one of the worst memories but, that memory is so clear and painful. As humans we can’t just accept something as it is. We always have to blame someone and if there is no one to blame we blame ourselves. No one has to be blamed for everything that happens in life. Sometimes it’s just life’s fault. It’s time for me to let go completely of my guilt and stop beating myself up about it. Then again those are just words. Can we ever actually forgive ourselves for something we didn’t even do? Can we ever let go of the pain we have brought upon ourselves? I wish I knew the answer that. I wish I could just let it all go.

Brave

When it comes to health I’ve not been very lucky. At the age of ten I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Proctitis. A few years later I was told I have crohn’s. Now I know that there are people who have worse health. I have many amazing friends that suffer from all kinds of different illnesses. They are the kind of people I wish I could be. The way they look at life and their relationship with God always amazes me.

Recently I learned that I will be having another surgery. Fun part about it is that I will be the 12^th person who has ever had this problem as well as the youngest. It has happened to .03% of people. There is a 50/50 shot that I may or may not need an ostomy bag for the rest of my life. Although there are a few different surgeries that they will try before I have to have the ostomy bag.

In the past few months many people have been asking me the same question. “How do you stay so strong?” or “How are you so brave?” Honestly it’s a front. I’m not strong and I am not brave. All I can think about is the fear of living with an ostomy bag for the rest of my life. Last year for six weeks I had to have one. It was the worst experience in the world. I couldn’t imagine having one for years and years. It’s so stressful because you never know if it’ll stay on or if you’ll have to change it in a public place.

My number one fear though with it is that I will never find love. I am scared people will be grossed out by it or even scared by it. What if I find someone I really really like and they find out about the bag and then they leave? Now I know as I ramble on about this you are probably thinking there are worse things in life than an ostomy bag and I completely agree. I have so many friends who have it so much worse yet I sit here and I am sulking in the thought of having to live like that forever.

I’m not brave or strong. I don’t want people to know that know because I feel like if other people know I am scared they too will be scared and I don’t want that. I put on a fake smile and I act like I have positive thoughts but in the end I am just a scared kid with an uncertain future. 

Straight girls

Gay girls and straight girls have all heard it “I’m sick of guys I’m just going to go gay!”. For a straight girl to hear this they nod and agree thinking “That is a great idea.” For a lesbian you hear this and just want to laugh. Now I am not saying that dating girls isn’t great but I can guarantee that it’s not any easier.

 First of all think about when two girls are around each other enough their periods sync up. This causes all kinds of problems for everyone involved.  That’s double the PMS and double the cravings, basically double the insanity. What’s more fun than two girls who hate their body for a whole week? Though a plus side to this is you can eat ice cream and cry while watching Disney movies together. Great bonding time.

 Second think about the worst fight you have ever gotten in with either your sister or best friend. Now compare that to World War 2. The amounts of emotions that are mixed together during a fight are outrageous! Girls always think they are right. Two girls, two opinions, both are right. That works right? The arguments can last all day into several days even. Although you still end up cuddling, angry cuddling that is. When the argument is over though, it’s like heaven has opened up and hallelujah. In addition the make-up sex is always great.

 Third when you start dating enough different girls through the years you’ll end up dating someone who has also dated your ex or even two. Even better you’re crazy about a girl and she breaks up with you and starts to date your ex. Then you get to see them together all the time because you have all of the same friends. Somehow one of your exs even becomes your best friend and gets to hear all of your problems.

Fourth everyone lies, but a girl who doesn’t feel like she is getting enough attention will lie about the stupidest and tiniest things. Or they will lie about serious and huge things. Girls like to lie for attention. You can put your whole heart into a relationship and it wouldn’t be good enough. An example of a big lie is I have an ex who through our whole relationship lied to me about having cancer. A smaller lie is my head hurts. Now not every girl will lie about something huge like that but if you don’t give them enough attention they will find a way to get it. This one is mostly on you though. Treat your girl right always and you won’t have that problem, most of the time.

Fifth and this is a big one guys aren’t the only “playas”. Girls have a way of making you like them so much that they are all you think about. Then they choose someone else. In The L Word there is a character named Shane. There is something about her that makes everyone want her but she doesn’t really want to be in a relationship. She hooks up with some of the same girls more than once and they get hooked, quick. Girls do this all the time. They make you like them and then they disappear because their heart and mind constantly is changing. This doesn’t always happen but when it does you feel like it’s the worst feeling in the world.

There are so many different reasons as to why “going gay” isn’t easier but then again nothing great in life is easy. Yeah girls are super emotional but they are also passionate. When you have great chemistry there is nothing better than just lying on the couch cuddling and watching The L Word. Lesbians love to cuddle and watch Netflix.  So what I am trying to say is don’t “go gay” because you are sick of guys. Go gay because it’s what’s in your heart and it’s what makes you happy. Go gay because when you finally get to kiss a girl your stomach turns into knots. Or because right before that kiss you can feel your heart rate increase and it’s like electricity going through your whole body. It needs to be who you are, who you were born to be. Not a choice because you've given up on your boyfriend. Also straight girls we all know you won’t “go gay” so stop teasing with that.

Reaching and Settling

We all get certain traits from our parents. Some are great some not so much. There are physical and personality traits. For example a trait my mother gave me is that I'm great around children (most of the time). The trait I'm going to focus on though is something I gained from my father that I doubt he even knows he taught his children. Growing up I saw through my dad that it's not okay to be alone. If he was single he was depressed and not himself. Every time my sister and I came to visit he would have a new girlfriend. Sometimes certain girls would stick around for a while but in the end they usually left. After growing up and always seeing this I've found myself the same way. Being single has always caused me serious depression. I hate the feeling of being alone. Waking up without a good morning text.

When I worked at Long John Silvers the cooks and I always played a game when a couple would come in called "Reaching or Settling". Basically was the girl too good looking for the guy or was he better looking. When I have been single for a while I always end up settling. That never lasts long. Other times I feel like I am reaching. When I feel that way I am always paranoid that I will end up single soon because that person will realize they are settling for me. There's been one time where I felt like we both were in the middle, but in that relationship I was physically and mentally abused. I stayed though. I was scared of being alone. I was scared of being single and having to settle or feel like I was reaching.

Why do people do this? Why does it have to be that someone is reaching or settling? Why can't it just be that they love each other looks aside? That they don't care what other people think about their relationship. People shouldn't be afraid to lose someone that is better looking. As well as why be afraid to be alone? In all honesty even though I was single I have never been alone. I have had my friends and my family. I'm done wanting to be in relationships just to feel loved. I have always been loved I just haven't always seen it.